Reading from the Bible -- John 3:16. A Ballot Proposition

While I’m not a resident of California nor even a citizen of the United States, I would like to propose a ballot proposition that would require all representations of John 3:16 published for consumption within the State of California to include a fair and balanced synopsis of its biblical context.  The point of the legislation is not to alter the meaning of the verse but simply to provide the information needed for the consumer to make an informed choice.  For taken out of context, John 3:16 is like anti-freeze for cats.

The Golden State has already exhibited strong leadership in matters of public health and environmental protection.  By passing appropriate legislation regarding John 3:16, California could take the lead in promoting greater spiritual and mental welfare as well.  In the long run, such a measure would help the United States regain some of the moral credibility it squandered during the Bush presidency.  And that, of course, would redound to the benefit of all of us who live beneath the American protective umbrella.

The text I propose in no way violates the verse’s original language – the original language is preserved in bold:

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he [condemned humanity for seeking knowledge, wiped out virtually all life in a massive flood, ordered his chosen people to initiate genocidal wars, and severely punished said chosen people for not being genocidal enough; then, thoroughly disgusted with humanity but feeling a momentary pang of guilt, though unable to think of a plan that did not involve yet another extreme act of cruelty,] gave his only Son [which meant nailing his Son to a wooden cross and watching him die, demonstrating that God’s love really hurts] so that everyone who believes in him should not perish [keeping in mind that the precise theological content of this belief is critical though impossible to ascertain since the Son spoke in very convoluted metaphors, a fact which has precipitated vociferous debate and enough bloodshed to fill oceans while at the same time given God yet another way to renege on his promises] but have eternal life [the quality of which seems quite tedious, rendered only in pastels, while everyone else – those who don’t believe or believe wrongly – are consigned to eternal torment in Hell, something which God vividly describes, for therein lies the power of God’s imagination, and even though Hell is an idea God came up with rather late in his evolution, God delights in such a thing].

Spreading the Good News on
In-N-Out Burger's paper cups

The reason such legislation has become necessary is that the John 3:16 has been deliberately used by the Unscrupulous to mislead and exploit the Credulous.  Having lost their legal sanction to seek conversions by the sword (how much easier life was under Charlemagne, who beheaded 4500 Saxons for practicing their pagan faith), today’s proselytizing Christians turn to hucksterism and advertising.  And when they do, they rely on John 3:16 for the heavy lifting.  John 3:16 is the evangelist’s foot in the door, the hook in the heart; it is that first vial of crack.  Sometimes it is simply written “John 3:16” – in the eye-black of the Florida Gator’s all-star quarterback, for example, or on the bottom of In-N-Out Burger’s paper cups.  As such, it is a code used by Believers to signal that they’re on the same page and to tantalize the uninitiated with a mystery.  Other times it is written out in full – on billboards and greeting cards, t-shirts and bumper stickers.  Today’s Christians on a Mission can stuff their luggage with "The Missionaries' Coloring Book: John 3:16 in 25 Languages, with Country Costumes, Flags and Maps" and thus share the (severely redacted) Good News everywhere they go.  Or they can buy “witnessing coins” (no doubt made in communist China) stamped with John 3:16 at a discount in “evangelistic bulk packs” – coins which can be handed out like candy to children.  “Now you can easily help anyone meet Jesus Christ personally,” says the purveyor of such coins .  “Conversations can easily begin with, ‘Want to see an interesting coin?’ or ‘Have you ever seen this?’”   These are the tactics of pedophiles trolling playgrounds.  One such coin, stamped in Arabic with the question “Where will you spend Eternity?” on one side and John’s message “For God so Loved the World …” on the other, was being handed out to Iraqis by a U.S. Marine on his own personal crusade.  Without the approval of the US Congress.

Not all Christians agree with the way the verse is so carelessly bandied about, for it leads many to misconstrue their faith.  Wayne Jackson, for instance, in the "Golden Text: A Study of John 3:16" in the Christian Courier notes that John 3:16 is "one of the most misunderstood and misrepresented texts of the Word of God."  As he explicates the verse, he emphasizes that "it is important to point out, of course, that only the elect will be saved."  I can only hope that Wayne and other Christians sharing his concerns for clarity will support my efforts to pass legislation that makes the meaning of John 3:16 explicit.  By passing the proposed resolution, California could lead the fight against spiritual abuse in the same way that it has led the fight against hazards in the work place and excessive vehicular fuel emissions.  While persons should be free to practice the religion of their choice, they should know about the crippling psychological effects of organizing their lives around misanthropic fictions.  Just like those who choose to smoke should know that cigarettes will kill them.  And while the legislation may have a negative impact on the manufacturers of cheap tokens, these would be more than offset by the benefits accrued by the commemorative dinner plate industry.  God knows, we need to climb out of this recession somehow.

Time Photos: John 3:16 in Pop Culture