Reading from the Bible: Matthew 13: 47-49 & Revelation 21 & 22. Our Heavenly Reward; or "Paradise is exactly like where you are right now, only much much worse."

On this Sunday in New Zealand, I'm contemplating the horrors of the heavenly reward so eagerly anticipated by the Christian faithful.  "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus," announces Paul in Philippians 3:14. The passage is a favorite source of inspiration for Christians who are trying to rise above this mortal coil.  Given their goal to wholly subjugate the flesh in order to claim their prize, it's worth trying to understand what the fuss is all about.

In this respect, the Islamic faith makes things easier. The vivid descriptions in the Koran give Muslim terrorists a remarkably clear picture of why they take flying lessons:

For them will be Gardens of eternity; beneath them rivers will flow; they will be adorned therein with bracelets of gold, and they will wear green garments of fine silk and heavy brocade. They will recline therein on raised thrones. How good [is] the recompense! How beautiful a couch [is there] to recline on! (Koran, verse 31)

This verse from the Koran and many others confirm for Muslim suicide-bombers what Laurie Anderson puts so succinctly: “Paradise is exactly like where you are right now, only much much better.”

Self-Crucifixion in the Philippines

In contrast, it is much more difficult to understand why many Christians in the Philippines, for example, crucify themselves (Tori Amos does so too but at least she wonders why) even though officials warn that crucifixion is bad for the health (officials also advise using sterilized nails, though sterilization is clearly not biblical and thus frowned upon).  Or to understand why, even as I write, Roman Catholics, Mormons and Evangelicals (and orthodox Jews) are working together to amend the constitution of California (Proposition 8) to deny gays and lesbians the bliss of marriage, when they're generally much happier bickering amongst themselves.  Indeed, what exactly about their expectations of the afterlife drives Christians to those heights of self-abuse, intolerance, and violent persecution for which they are so historically famous?

In truth, I'm not so sure that they even know themselves.  I'm convinced that if Christians paid close attention to the biblical fine print, they'd be much less eager to forgo worldly pleasures for the dubious promise of God's reward.  I can imagine the Muslim bomber doing a quick and cogent cost-benefit analysis (however misguided) right before pushing the button on his battery pack.  But I can't do the same for the Warrior for Christ.

We'll begin our investigation into the nature of God's heavenly reward by parsing the words of Jesus himself.

Again, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a fishing net that is thrown into the water and gathers fish of every kind.  When the net is full, they drag it up onto the shore, sit down, sort the good fish into crates, and throw the bad ones away.  That is the way it will be at the end of the world. (Matthew 13: 47-49)

There's nothing here of the lucidity one finds in the Koran.  Instead, the idea that the heavenly kingdom is "like a fishing net that is thrown into the water" has the absurdist flavor of post-modern buillshit.  It makes about as much sense as describing God's kingdom as a head of cabbage, cut in half.  But these are the words of Jesus, and we'll work with what we get.

The only sense I manage to squeeze out of this parable has to do with the notions 'good' and 'bad' and the notion of purpose, which is not explicitly mentioned but informs the entire passage.  Interestingly, they are seen exclusively from God's perspective.  Whether the fish are 'good' or 'bad' has nothing to with the fish and everything to do with the fishermen. The fish themselves don't really matter (indeed, concern for the fish is cruelly absent).  The only thing that matters is whether they serve the fisherman's purposes (which from the perspective of the fish can only be considered nefarious).

In their excitement to be counted among the ‘good’ fish, what Christians fail to grasp is that their reward looks grim.  The ‘good’ will inevitably be gutted or filleted, then perhaps smoked, maybe grilled, or poached in a nice Chardonnay; they'll be masticated and digested, whereupon anything that’s left will explode out some heavenly backside.  The ‘bad’ fish actually stand a better chance.  If the fishermen sense at all the importance of husbanding their resources (though this is unlikely if they are evangelicals, for whom global warming and other environmental concerns are Satanic conspiracies), they will return the ‘bad’ fish to the sea instead of leaving them rotting on the beach and bringing down the value of waterfront properties.

So I must ask the Christian faithful--especially those who ridicule Muslims for looking forward to their harem of virgins--to do a cost-benefit analysis of their own.  Consider an illicit pleasure that is dear to your heart--whether it's oral sex with a same-sex lover or curling up with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (I would have included downloading porn, but evangelicals already do too much of that).  And then ask yourself whether it is worth forgoing that pleasure for the heavenly reward of being turned to shit. Agnostics and atheists can look forward to becoming food for worms, which is pretty much the same as shit, but knowing this helps them recognize rather than deny the value of  mortal life.

Perhaps you think I've taken the metaphor too far.  I can only respond that if the good Lord had wanted us to understand his kingdom and the nature of our heavenly reward differently, he would have chosen a different metaphor.  Besides, other biblical passages that offer insights into what Christians can expect in the afterlife only underscore God's narrow concern with his own needs and his indifference to those of others.

North Korea's Kim Jong-il is the
closest thing we have to God.

Consider, for example, some of the passages in the Book of Revelation.  Written by St. John the Divine, the Book of Revelation provides the most reliable eye-witness account of what the afterlife is really like, and it isn't pretty.  Here St. John describes what he saw when invited to gaze upon God's throne:

In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under his wings. Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."

Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:

  "You are worthy, our Lord and God,
   to receive glory and honor and power,
   for you created all things,
   and by your will they were created
   and have their being." (Revelation 4: 7-11)

It is not clear to me whether every Christian is expected to don outlandish S&M gear and join in with God's answer to the Village People in the eternal wanking of the divine ego, but I find the words exceptionally tedious even upon first reading.  The idea that I might be compelled to say them over and over, staring at a watch where the hands tick but never move, makes the Lake of Fire seem positively inviting.  I suspect that God himself must be suffering a boredom so intense that it pains like an abscessed molar--this would go a long way in explaining his generally foul mood.

I can't begin to guess what was going through St. John's mind when he witnessed this scene, though I imagine he would have enjoyed Pyongyang.  Indeed, I would encourage all Christians who want to understand what they might be getting into by placing their hand in the hand of the Man from Galilee to visit North Korea and seek an audience with Kim Jong-il, who right now is probably the closest thing we have to God on earth.  But they should remember to bring their own food, for Kim Jong-il doesn't care much about his worshipers either. 

This pornographic poster
of New Jerusalem (destined
for the place on a Christian
teenager's wall that might
otherwise be occupied by Sarah
Palin) shows the city with a
dome, and thus clearly violates
scripture. Concerned parents
should color over the naughty
bit with a blue marker.

Neither do I understand what's so exciting about New Jerusalem, which has the aesthetic appeal of a square box because it is ... well, a square box: 1400 miles high, wide, and long (Revelation 21: 16-17).  It may be tarted up with fancy stones and pearls, but in the end it's just a box. You might think it was designed by some blind repentant architect from the GDR whom God never bothered to heal.  Actually, God enlisted the talents of Rick Sternbach, who also designed the Borg cube for Star Trek.

Yet even if I set aside my aesthetic objections, a major problem with New Jerusalem is that this city is in fact the quintessential gated community:

[The blessed] have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. (Revelation 22:14-15)

This depiction of New Jerusalem is
biblically accurate and won't lead
to impure thoughts.

As someone who values the notions of civil society, public interest, and public space, I don't think New Jerusalem is a place I'd like to live.  As for the disparaging remarks about those who remain outside its walls, they can safely be dismissed as typical Christian hyperbole; like when Pat Robertson labeled thirty- to forty-thousand supposedly left-wing academics in the USA as ""racists, murderers, sexual deviants and supporters of Al-Qaeda," and as "termites that have worked into the woodwork of our academic society."  He's talking about some of my best friends.

Sure, in New Jerusalem Christians will find themselves in the immediate presence of God, but this can only appeal to those who fancy the idea of eternal servitude:

The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. (Revelation 22:3-5)

This is not a depiction of New Jerusalem,
but rather of the evil Borg from Star Trek;
they were designed by the same architect.

Writing his name on everyone's forehead?!  God is so obsessed with his possessions that he labels everything he owns -- spice rack, table cloth, bottle cap collection. Now, if there were other gods one might excuse such strange behavior (only barely), saying he doesn’t want to get his stuff mixed up with theirs.  But since God is the only God around (having killed all others), we can only conclude that his obsession with stamping ‘Jehovah’ on every forehead derives from a preposterous need for self-glorification.  That this will be standard operating procedure in New Jerusalem should come as no surprise – God is acting in a manner entirely consistent with the biblical record.

Pope Alexander VI (1431-1503), whose
actual behavior closely resembles
that which Pat Robertson imagines
of liberal academics.

Again, we get a clear sense of God's priorities.  If God were actually interested in the needs of his ‘servants’, he would stamp their own names on their foreheads.  I’m sure that the good people in New Jerusalem will all know that they belong to God, and God will know that they belong to him.  But given the vast numbers of the resurrected and the raptured, what they probably won’t know is each other.  How truly unfortunate, that when Pat Robertson finally gets to meet his true brother in Christ, the notorious Pope Alexander VI, they will recognize each other only as 'Property of God';  they will never get the chance to compare notes.