Our Heavenly Reward

This is a video of a sermon delivered by the Reverend Reginald Barjesus at a Pecha Kucha event in Whangarei, New Zealand, in February 2011.  The format for Pecha Kucha consists of 20 images displayed for 20 seconds each.  You can find out more about it here: http://www.pecha-kucha.org/

The Great Ontological Circle Jerk: Michaelangelo, St. Anselm, and the Divine

Separation of Light from Darkness,
by Michaelangelo

On this Sunday in New Zealand, the Rev. Reginald Barjesus is pleased yet humbled to have been chosen by the Lord to announce a theological development of some significance.  By the grace of God, he has been given a deep insight into the character of the Trinity and has been allowed to share it with the world.

But before elucidating this insight more clearly, and indeed to underscore its significance, I wish briefly to treat the nature of theological study and progress. Unlike virtually every other form of human understanding, theological innovation is precious. And it is all the more rare to have a new insight into the nature of God. Indeed, the greatest theological innovations over many hundreds of years have pertained to Mary, who is merely a vessel -- unsoiled, to be sure, but still nothing more than a vessel.

In fact, the doctrinal developments regarding Mary are held up as "an example of the Church's growth in understanding of Christian doctrine." And by studying the case of Mary, we can learn the methods by which theological progress is achieved. We've pretty much always known, for instance, that Mary was a virgin when our Lord Jesus was conceived. But it was the Lateran Council in 649 that advanced our knowledge one step further, affirming that Mary conceived the baby Jesus "without any detriment to her virginity, which remains inviolate even after his birth." Mary's perpetual virginity was reaffirmed during Vatican II (1962-1965), which stated that the Lord's birth "did not diminish His mother's virginal integrity but sanctified it." I don't know exactly how this works, but my guess is that Jesus was born out the virgin's ass. My proposal for Vatican III is that we start referring to the virgin birth as the rectal birth, a term which might meet less resistance from skeptics. Given the Vatican's efforts to reach out to atheists, this may very well be the way to go. I don't believe it will violate any existing dogma, and in some ways it has clear advantages, for "rectal birth" tells us what happened: Mary squeezed Jesus out through her anus; she pinched a divine loaf. "Virgin birth" only tells us what did not happen: Jesus' birth did not diminish his mother's virginal integrity, which isn't saying much because his birth didn't diminish her eyesight either.

The Assumption of Mary,
by Peter Paul Rubens, ca. 1620
Not food for worms, this one!

Any doubts that arise due to misguided biblical literalism have also been banished. While the virgin birth mentioned in the Gospels is to be taken literally, we are not to be fooled by biblical references to Jesus as Mary's first-born (which might imply that there was at least a second-born). No, Jesus is the first-born of one; he was Mary's oldest son, but he was her youngest son, too. Neither are we to be misled by Gospel references to Jesus' brothers -- James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas (Matthew 13:55; Mark 6:3). We are told that they may have been step-brothers or cousins -- apparently, there is no specific Hebrew or Aramaic word for "cousin," so they might have used the term "brother" quite broadly. This may very well be true. Of course, we'll need to reconsider the nature of social life in ancient Palestine, for it would seem that Jewish men must have been fucking each other's wives left and right (from the Alpha to the Omega, so to speak) for them not to even have the words to express the difference between a brother and a cousin. But that is small price to pay for the integrity of the Bible.

Moreover, building on Mary's perpetual virginity (together with the dogma of Mary's own immaculate conception, which leaves her untainted with original sin), we proceed to the declaration in 1950 by Pope Pius XII of the infallible dogma regarding the Assumption of Mary:

By the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, of the Blessed Apostles Peter and Paul, and by our own authority, we pronounce, declare, and define it to be a divinely revealed dogma: that the Immaculate Mother of God, the ever Virgin Mary, having completed the course of her earthly life, was assumed body and soul into heavenly glory.

Pope Pius poses piously -- this the
last of XII pious Piuses was described
by the British Foreign Office as the
"greatest moral coward of our age" for
his flirtations with Ante Pavelić, the
fascist leader of Croatia during WWII.

Now, we don't know for certain whether or not Mary actually died (that knowledge will no doubt come with further theological study); but at the very least we know that she didn't stink.

Sadly, in contrast to the fruitful developments within the theological sub-discipline of Mariology, in other areas of the faith our theology has been impoverished over time rather than enriched. Limbo, for instance, while never an official dogma was exceptionally popular for many centuries. But since 2007 it has fallen out of favor. It seems likely at this point that dead unbaptized infants do not suffer the exquisite punishment of limbo. They may get to go straight to heaven. Of course, they're just as likely to go straight to hell -- we need more study to know for certain. By the way, please do not confuse limbo with purgatory, which is a different place and is a dogmatic certainty. Purgatory has served the Catholics very well in the past, underpinning a healthy revenue stream by making possible the sale of indulgences. Reviving that revenue stream may be crucial in light of recent sex-scandal lawsuits, so purgatory is not likely to be shut down any time soon. Meanwhile, the notion of hell is also under vicious assault by many liberal Churches, including the not-so-liberal Church of England. This is really going to disappoint many of those Christians who are denying themselves joy in this life for the pleasure of witnessing the torture of their enemies in the life to come. According to my calculations based on the most recent scientific data, allowing the traditionally damned to enter New Jerusalem will increase the population by 400% -- I pity the poor self-righteous Christian bastard who has to share a one-bedroom apartment with a smirking David Hume, who got so much pleasure out of tormenting Christians in this life and will no doubt have just as much pleasure tormenting them in the next.

Be that as it may. My purpose thus far has been to draw attention to the nature of theological innovation, to underscore how painfully it is won. Indeed, in many respects the richness of Christian theology has suffered over time -- in the hands of modern liberals, it is being reduced to an insipid broth. And sadly, the most exciting theological progress has been with respect to Mary. Let's face it, she's a sexually dissatisfied woman, a mere sidekick.

St. Anselm of Canterbury,
1033-1109.
Rumor has it that when St. Anselm
was hungry, he would use the
ontological argument to summon the
best of all possible meals.
He weighed 67 lbs. when
he died.

But now we will talk about real progress, for our new insights pertain to the nature of God Himself. And we achieved them by imagining God masturbating. Does God masturbate? Of course he does. It follows from the time-honored ontological proof of the existence of God, most commonly associated with St. Anselm:

1. The masturbating Greatest Being (God) exists in our minds.

2. Existence in reality is greater than non-existence in reality.

3. Suppose the masturbating Greatest Being exists only in our minds and not in reality.

4. This would mean that the masturbating Greatest Being is a Being that admits of a Greater masturbating Being, namely one that exists in reality -- which is a contradiction.

5. Therefore, in order for the masturbating Greatest Being to exist in our minds, it must also exist in reality.

Now, if we build upon this insight and take into consideration the Trinitarian nature of God, it follows that when God masturbates he is actually fucking himself in a threesome. Moreover, it is a homosexual threesome -- Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (we'll leave the incestuous nature of the relationship alone).

I must admit that out of a sinful sense of human pride I would like to take personal credit for this theological discovery. But in all honesty, I can at most lay claim to rediscovering this truth, for there is evidence that in certain exclusive circles this theological truth has or had been known for a very long time.

Recent observations by two neuroscientists who studied paintings in the Vatican have observed interesting outlines in the throat of God as depicted by Michaelangelo in the fresco "The Separation of Light and Darkness." Of course, with brainstems on their minds, what they see is a brainstem (even though the brainstem is located nowhere near the throat). But one the Reverand's learned associates -- a widely-read Renaissance woman with a husband and two adolescent sons, none of whom are circumcised (I'm establishing her credentials; hers are far better than the ever virgin Mary's) -- thinks about quite different things. And she immediately recognized the distinctive shape for what it actually is: the outline of an impressive incarnation of masculine sexual machinery. There is little doubt that Michaelangelo, who is an icon of the modern gay community, was thinking along those same lines too. It is truly wonderful when interdisciplinary efforts produce such fruitful results (though I should say some art historians have distanced themselves these interpretations for reasons I don't quite understand since they have an inclination to believe almost anything and issue bountiful opinions through the same orifice by which Mary delivered Jesus -- but that's merely an aside).

Clearly, what we have here is an image of God playing with himself, with the genitals of the Son rammed down the throat of the Father, who's being taken from behind by the Holy Ghost (whom we can't see because, naturally, he's invisible). Perhaps if the Vatican would allow us to scrape away some of the paint that makes up the white cloud in the background, we might get a glimpse of Jesus' face (we could compare it to Shroud of Turin for authenticity). But until then we'll have to speculate as to whether Jesus at this point in the history of the world was a man with a big prick or just a big prick. Theologically, however, it makes little difference.

What is significant, though, is that the painting is a depiction of the act of Creation (which explains why the Son isn't circumcised, for that ritual develops later) and it is a reaffirmation of the Gospel of John:

In the beginning the Word already existed. He was with God, and he was God. He was in the beginning with God. He created everything there is. Nothing exists that he didn't make. Life itself was in him, and this life gives life to everyone. (John 1:1-4)

Creation was a fecund orgy of male sexual energy. The scientists are wrong -- there wasn't one big bang, but series of bangs in close succession, orgasmic eruptions of divinely masculine solids, liquids, and gases that issued forth from within God and spewed into the void. God fucked and sucked himself for six days straight -- no wonder he was so tired on the seventh, no wonder he needed a rest. In Genesis we read that "God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was excellent in every way." But those us who have flipped ahead know that he was deceiving himself; it was merely a case of post-orgasmic bliss. It wouldn't take him very long to figure out that he'd created an incredible mess, something that needed to be washed away in a Flood. But the disillusionment would come later in the story. For the time being we should be celebrating with God his homosexual joy, perhaps to the tune of Beethovan's Ninth.

Of course, the recognition of God's homosexuality not only helps us better understand the process of Creation, it also sheds light on the biblical condemnation of homosexuals: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination." (Lev. 18:22) It helps us understand why God was so eager to "rain down fire and burning sulfur" upon Sodom and Gomorrah. The sin is not homosexuality itself, but the aspiration to be like God. Nothing angers him more. Indeed, this is pretty much the same reason that God tossed Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden: "Then the Lord God said, 'The people have become as we are ... So the Lord banished Adam and his wife from the Garden." (Genesis 3:22-23)

Likewise, recognizing that God is a homosexual Being should help us understand the plight of the Catholic clergy. Dedicated as they are to serving the Lord, they take the spirit of the divine deep into their hearts. Is it any wonder that they wish to emulate in the flesh with their altar boys the divine relationship between the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost?

Please forgive me, Moroni, for I have sinned -- on Mormons and Sausages

The LDS Temple on its launchpad
near Washington, D.C.
It's precise location:
39°0′50.68440″N 77°3′56.24639″W.
But that could change at
any moment.

On this Sunday in New Zealand, after studying Jimmy Swaggart's academy-award winning performance to learn how it is done, the Rev. Reginald Barjesus confesses his failings, sheds a few crocodile tears, and makes a public commitment before his entire congregation to broaden his mind. Earlier this week, someone pointed out to me (quite earnestly) that I have short-shrifted the Church of the Latter Day Saints and that I might find it worthwhile to study the Book of Mormon. And I confess, my personal acquaintance with things Mormon has been fleeting and can be summed up in a paragraph or two.

I've seen the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on television, narrowly averted a death-by-car-accident in Salt Lake City  (the fault lies with my wife and not with Mormon suicide-assassins), and frequently admired the wonderful spacecraft known as the Washington D.C. Temple from the Capital Beltway. I recently enjoyed that sweet moral comedy, Baptists at Our Barbeque (“A witty, surprising, and delightful film!”) which takes on the perennial theme of religious conflict in a light-hearted way (that is to say, there is very little bloodshed, for the movie is meant for children, young and old). Though I'm slightly embarrassed to admit it, I also once read The Four O'Clock Murders, a somewhat trashy true-life crime drama about a murderous Mormon patriarch and his devoted family of killers, which unlike the aforementioned movie is soaked through with blood shed for religious reasons.  It's not as bad as it sounds, though you should wash your hands after reading.

Sweetness, light and shining faces
at the Hill Cumorah Pageant.

Twice I've attended the Hill Cumorah Pageant in Palmyra, New York, where the blonde and blue-eyed dress up to play "Patriarchs and Indians" in a stunning presentation of the essential plot of the Book of Mormon. I recommend the experience to anyone, but also suggest leaving your cigarettes in the car, for once I went with a couple of Germans who insisted on smoking (the pageant is very long) and they were frowned upon, albeit politely.

The spectacle actually begins in the grassy parking lot, where the fleet of Winnebago motor homes with out-of-state tags testifies both to the breadth of the Mormon diaspora and the allure of this annual pilgrimage. The line of state troopers down the center of Route 21 is no mere fascist display; it serves an important peace-keeping function. On the west side of the highway are the sign-bearing Christian protesters (I understand that Mormons, too, consider themselves Christians; other Christians do not) who've taken time off from picketing abortion clinics to volunteer for the lighter duty of telling Mormons that they’re going to hell; on the east side of the highway, the Mormons are free to walk unmolested onto the pageant grounds. Standing between them, the state troopers in their spiffy uniforms embody the concept of the “separation of Church and State,” the real purpose of which is (and always has been) to separate Church from Church – though disparaged by religious zealots, it is what keeps them from slitting each other's throats.

The audio and visual extravaganza includes a re-enactment of the historical moment when the Angel Moroni reveals the “Golden Message” (the Book of Mormon) to Joseph Smith. Had my heart not been made of stone, I would have found this scene utterly convincing. I wondered momentarily why so much light and noise didn't draw the good citizens of Palmyra from their beds and compel them to investigate. But then I put on my thinking cap (you’ll have to bring your own, for they are not provided) and reasoned that this would have provided eye-witness support for Smith’s claims and thus reduced the significance of faith; so I concluded that, prior to his meeting with Smith, the Angel Moroni stuffed slave-picked cotton from Mississippi (my way of providing some historical context) in the ears of the sleeping Palmyrians in much the same way that the Lord hardened the hearts of the Egyptians prior to the Exodus.

Watch and sing along as the Mormon
faith spreads throughout the world.

While I have tasted from the Book of Mormon, I have not wholly imbibed its wisdom. Sure, I could point out that there are so many religions and there is so little time. But given the amazing presence of the LDS on the world stage (it is the fourth largest denomination in the USA, with 13 million members world-wide and an expected growth rate of 1 million per year), I have clearly been remiss. I have seen their missionaries, stalking their prey among the disillusioned communists of the former GDR, trying to foist upon them a different kind of faith (though I expect their resemblance to the Stasi, working in pairs to keep each other honest, did not much help their cause); and I have seen their Churches in the islands of the South Pacific, where the impoverished and semi-literate are already overburdened (and over taxed) by religious imperialists -- the Mormon Churches are clean, proud, and modern, reflecting a material wealth that attracts Islanders like flies to shit.  Thus let me reiterate: I have been remiss.

A rare photo discovered buried in
Jerry Falwell's back yard of Joseph
Smith Jr. and the Three Witnesses
(from left to right: Oliver Cowdery,
Joseph Smith, Martin Harris, David
Whitmer) creating sausage while
discussing dogma in their workshop
in Palmyra, New York in preparation
for their journey to Ohio.  The
Angel Moroni disappeared around the
time this photograph was made.
This, together with reports that the
sausages consumed on the trek were a
great source of spiritual sustenance,
has led scholars at Liberty University
to speculate that the substance in the
vats may very well be the Angel himself;
they suspect he was killed while he slept
and put through a grinder.
These were happy days for Joseph Smith
and the three Witnesses. Cowdery and
Whitmer were excommunicated in 1838;
Harris was among dissenters who
excommunicated Smith.  Smith was
assassinated before the men could renew
their friendships, though reportedly they’ve
been reconciled in heaven.

One reason I have paid such little attention to the Church of Latter Day Saints is that the faith is so gosh-darned young and I don’t think it’s fair to pick on children. “Laws are like sausages,” the saying goes (attributed to Bismarck, a conservative who liked both sausage and politics): “it is better not to see them being made.” And for those who enjoy the comforts of their faith, the same applies to religion. Most flavors of Christianity have been hallowed by time (and, one might add, tempered by the skillful application of fire to human flesh) and their origins obscured and I find them worthy of archeological investigation. But the historical proximity of the birth of Mormonism is so very near that it is as if the abattoir was right next door and, even with the windows closed, one could smell the stink seeping through the walls of the kitchen while digging into one's Swift Premium Sizzle 'N Serve fully cooked breakfast meats (registered trade mark).

It is no doubt my stony heart that prevents me from fully appreciating the significance of the manner in which the Lord revealed the Mormon truth. Clearly, choosing a dissolute treasure-hunter and practitioner of religious magic named Joseph Smith Jr. to be his emissary of hope was no mistake; the Lord was merely underscoring the importance of subjugating reason to faith. He underscored that point again by allowing only a few of Smith’s closest associates to actually see the “Golden Plates” that were translated from the distance by looking at a magical stone in the bottom of a hat and transcribed as the Book of Mormon before said plates were whisked away forever (though gold is heavy, the arms of an angel are strong). And he underscored that point again by choosing a plot, style, and language that without the guiding light of faith might indicate the hand of a 19th-century plagiarist who cherry- picked passages and ideas from books by Ethan Smith and Josiah Priest, an unpublished manuscript by Solomon Spalding, the Apocrypha and the King James Bible. Yet again he underscored that point by including language (words of Greek etymology), fauna (horses, elephants, cows, domesticated goats, pigs), flora (barley and oats), and technologies (steel, chariots, compass) that have no place in America during the period (2500 BC to 400 AD) in which the divine message was etched in gold – something that without the guiding light of faith would indicate anachronism, ahistoricism and perhaps even duplicity. I myself have always wondered about the striking linguistic similarity between the Angel “Moroni” and the word “moron” -- I thought the latter might have been coined by strident Baptists as a way of slighting the new kids on the block. But the word “moron” actually comes from the Greek μωρός, meaning “foolish.” A mind unguided by the light of faith might speculate that Joseph Smith Jr. was playing a little joke, poking fun at his newly gathered flock while sharpening his shears. Of course, a more enlightened conclusion is that the Lord was simply encouraging the faithful (in the manner of St. Paul) to be “fools for Christ,” of which there are plenty.

One reason for Mormonism's astounding
success was the theological principle
that every man should have his own
sausage factory. Indeed, it was this
basic belief that led to the practice
of polygamy, as each man required his
own pool of labor. Once women started
touching the meat, however, sausages
lost their spiritual significance. After
1904, when the LDS renounced polygamy
for the second time, the Mormon sausage
industry went into a steep decline from
which it never recovered. Joseph Smith's
notion that there should be "a sausage
for every stew" which he proclaimed
loudly in his bid for the Presidency
in 1843, resurfaced later in a slightly
different form as "a chicken in every pot,"
a slogan put to good use by Herbert Hoover
in 1928, though by then all Moron connotations
had disappeared. Sausage making is no longer
part of the Mormon tradition. While some men
on the fundamentalist fringe still practice
polygamy, they do so to increase welfare
payments by farming children and to staff
vacuum cleaner repair shops. The practice
is looked upon with disapproval by mainstream
members of the Church of Latter Day Saints.

I confess that the candle light of faith glows but dimly in my shallow cranium (though if I hollowed out the cavity a little, allowing for a little more air flow, and perhaps lined the walls with reflective aluminum tape, things might improve. I wonder if the surgery required will be covered under the new healthcare reform bill in USA, or would I only be covered if I go to jail --  thank God I'm in New Zealand).  Yet perhaps by pondering the Book of Mormon, I may discover the key to my salvation.  For isn't it truly miraculous that human beings who can string together a sentence or, say, ride a bicycle can embrace the Book of Mormon as a source of religious truth?  Indeed, Mormons do much more than that: they articulate elaborate apologetics to abolish doubt, make bids for the Presidency (as in the case of Joseph Smith Jr.in 1843 and, more, recently Mitt Romney), drive Winnebagos so successfully that their rate of accidents does not deviate from the national average, retroactively baptize dead Jews so that they might go to heaven, finally allow blacks to become priests (1978), and even secretly construct a spacecraft right under our noses that will lift them out of here when the world economy implodes (the count down starts -- wait for it -- NOW).  There must be a God.  What have I been thinking?

"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." Or maybe not.

Voltaire as he appeared at
the end of the 18th century
On this Sunday in New Zealand, we savor the delicious irony (smothered in Béarnaise) that many Christian conservatives now find themselves siding with Voltaire.  “If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him," insisted the notorious skeptic, advancing his utilitarian argument with a twinkle in his eye.  Clearly, no self-respecting evangelicals would ever invite Francois-Marie to join them at Denny's after Church (or IHOP, Crackerbarrel, or Applebees -- take your pick).  And none expect to see his face during the coming resurrection (for God truly hates the French and their peculiar eating habits).  Yet the fact remains that many of today's conservative Christians are making much the same point as our feisty little philosophe, albeit with the glassy stare that marks the true believer.

Take the Discovery Institute, for instance, that non-profit think tank (one uses the term loosely) dedicated to the promotion of "Creative Design.”  Since any outright pronouncement of religious truth would shatter its thin scientific disguise, the Institute won’t go so far as to make any religious pronouncements about God; it will only insist that a belief in God is good for us.  In an essay published by the Institute entitled the “The Dehumanizing Impact of Modern Thought,” for example, an institute scribe traces a line from Darwin, Marx, and Nietzsche to the gas chambers of Auschwitz (I say traces because he hijacks the words of Victor Frankl).  He condemns the “false conceptions of humanity” spawned by modern thought that "lead to destructive behavior and harmful policies” (like the Holocaust and, worse still, the disappearance of the author in literary analysis).  And in conclusion he points out that:

people who believe humans are created in the image of God will have different values, practices, and institutions than those who view humans as merely the sum total of environmental and biological inputs.

Members of the Salem Community Church
(10 S. Walnut Lane, Schaumburg, IL 60193)
at the local Applebees, 'munching on the
delicious 2 for 20$ lunch meals'
and taking 'a 'nice break from the busy
flow of studying, working and serving at
church.' Note the conspicuous absence of
Francois-Marie Voltaire. And, no, he was
not the one taking the picture

Of course, one might also add that they practice a different kind of textual criticism and read far less interesting books.  Perhaps it is also worth pointing out that far more Nazis went to Church than ever read Darwin, Marx, and Nietzsche.  But that's not the bone I want to pick right now so we'll let it slide. 

Likewise, the Family Research Council avoids making claims of religious truth and states only that:

...from the social science perspective the more an individual practices his religious beliefs the more he thrives in education, health and mental health, marriage and family and the less likely is he to be involved in crime, addiction, abuse or a host of other ills.

I certainly find curious the persistent use of the masculine pronoun -- the scribes are clearly bucking the trend, writing about "social science perspectives" and reinforcing biblical patriarchy at the same time.  Very, very sneaky.  But I digress.

Finally, my favorite piece, which looks like an add for a Tarantino flick, is a graphic by Answers in Genesis in which some young punk holds a revolver to your eye: If God doesn't matter to him, do you?  The text continues:

As a society, we reap the consequences of the unquestioned acceptance of the belief in evolution every day.  It diminishes your worth and reduces human beings from being 'made in the image of God' to being mere players in the game of survival of the fittest.

Faced with such horrific visions of a world without God, one might indeed be tempted to cauterize the brain so as to banish doubt and embrace the ridiculous.

But let us not so hastily concede the point to Voltaire (a man I've always admired, especially his fashion sense).  Let us, instead, take him to the mountain and from lofty heights let him gaze upon the nations of the world.  For one nice thing about utilitarian arguments (unlike religious ones) is that they can be measured.  

Behold, the United States.  Compared to all other first world democracies, the United States exhibits the greatest intensity of popular religious belief.  Of these democracies, the United States is the only society where most people strongly believe in a Creator and most people reject evolution.  It is the only country where most people pray at least several times a week.  It has the highest percentage of biblical literalists and the second-lowest percentage of atheists and agnostics (just slightly more than Ireland).

Religion in
Prosperous Democracies (I)

Religion in
Prosperous Democracies (II)
Religiosity and
Societal Dysfunction (I)
Religiosity and
Societal Dysfunction (II)
Religiosity and
Societal Dysfunction (III)

Likewise, compared to all other first world democracies, the United States exhibits by far the greatest degree of social dysfunction.  Homicide rates are more than 300% higher than in most secular democracies.  The United States has the highest rate of mortality for children under five (something which diminishes in other secular democracies as religious belief wanes).  Sexually transmitted diseases afflict American youth at rates many times those which are found in secular democracies.  Among first world democracies, the United States has the highest rate of teenage abortion (almost twice that of Sweden) – as with infant mortality, abortion rates diminish as religious belief declines.  Americans have the shortest marriages and second-highest rate of divorce (slightly less than Sweden).  They have the second-shortest life spans (a little higher than Italy).  The Americans imprison more of their citizens than any other country in the world (not just any other prosperous democracy): 400% more than New Zealand (which has the second highest rate of incarceration among prosperous democracies) and almost 1000% more than Sweden (which has the lowest rate of incarceration among prosperous democracies).  America has the highest levels of poverty and greatest income inequality.  And Americans work more days of the year than do the citizens of any other prosperous democracy.

Moreover, this societal dysfunction is a found in a country of extreme wealth.  With less than 5% of the world’s population, America controls 25% of the world’s financial wealth and consumes 25% of the world’s energy.  But whereas secular democracies have managed their resources to produce healthy societies and healthy individuals, this has clearly not happened in America.

Where does religion fit in all this?  Among all other factors, religiosity stands out.  Other first-world democracies (Canada, Australia, New Zealand) have a frontier heritage and are culturally diverse; all first-world countries have a media saturated with violence and sex.  What distinguishes America from the other first-world democracies is fervor of its faithful.  To a certain extent, religiosity in other democracies has waned as individuals in those societies have increasingly enjoyed the benefits and security that came with increasing prosperity; and to some degree, the high levels of religiosity in the USA are the result of material anxiety.  But powerful religious lobbies in the United States have persistently resisted efforts to advance societal health in the United States and they continue to do so.  Promoting abstinence-only sex education, impeding health care reform, denigrating social services provided by government while trying to secure public funds for faith-based social outreach, opposing progressive tax-reform,  favoring retributive punishment rather than rehabilitation -- the list goes on.  Religious conservatives identify any progressive agenda with socialism and the welfare state, which for them are tantamount to atheistic communism and a threat to Judeo-Christian values.  They are, in fact, much more interested in creating a society that is pleasing to God than one which is good for human beings.  And this, more than anything else, has poisoned American political discourse.

Voltaire as he appears today. The
longevity of the philosopher (who
has traded in his pen for a guitar)
has convinced many Christians that he
is actually demon-spawn. Others believe
that he's the wandering Jew. In fact,
he's a vampire -- the inspiration for
'Spike' in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I doubt very much, however, that any of this matters to those who fill the mega-churches in Colorado and Alabama or take their families to Florida's "Holy Land Experience" to bathe in blood of an ersatz Christ, up close and personal.  For them, the utilitarian argument is really just a ploy, a point of entry for political debate, a Trojan Horse.  Voltaire himself, however, would have changed his mind --  inventing God may not have been so necessary after all.

[sources are papers published by Gregory Paul -- "The Chronic Dependence of Popular Religiosity upon Dysfunctional Psychosociological Conditions," Evolutionary Psychology, Volume 7 (3) 2009; and Cross-National Correlations of Quantifiable Social Health with Popular Religiosity and Secularism in the Prosperous Democracies," Journal of Religion & Society (Volume 7) 2005.]

A Public Service Message from the Society Against Theological and Anti-Humanistic Nastiness

The Rev. Reginald Barjesus has recently become aware of serious disciplinary problems within the Society Against Theological and Anti-humanistic Nastiness.  Last week, some low-level scribe at CBS's Crimesider posted a perfectly crap "news" story about conservative Christians:  "Is Conservative Christian Group, No Greater Joy Ministries, Pushing Parents to Beat Kids to Death?"  This "news" story begins with a question.  Which it doesn't answer.  And then it asks: "What do you think?"  It's as if we're supposed to do the work of the idiot scribe ourselves.  He should hang his head in shame; he should be drummed out the organization altogether and compelled to listen to the collected works of Stryper  [definitely worth a look] while being molested by a gaggle of Irish Catholic priests (frocked, defrocked, or prufrocked -- doesn't matter).   Side note: This use of music as an instrument of torture has the virtue of being both exceptionally painful and permissible under US law.  Indeed, one suspects that a major reason for the remarkable success of artists like Stryper, Amy Grant, and MercyMe may be that since the first Gulf war the CIA and the Pentagon have been licensing the libraries of Christian record labels for use in the ongoing crusade against Muslims, something which has been kept secret for fear of irritating the ACLU and violating the disestablishment clause of the constitution.  What do you think?

Of course, there is no doubt that conservative Christian "family values" are indeed pernicious and in many instances have caused life-long psychological trauma, maybe even death.  We are more certain of that than we are about the reality of  global warming.  And that is precisely the point.  In much the same way that the shoddy methods and discriminatory practices of a handful of overly zealous environmentalists/ climate scientists have lent credence to those who insist that global warming is a satanic conspiracy (once again, let me make it perfectly clear that the Society Against Theological and Anti-humanistic Nastiness has nothing to do with global warming), stories like the one discussed here undermine our well-intentioned efforts to save the world (and even Christians themselves) from the absurdities and harmful consequences of their ridiculous dogmas  (for as they themselves might say: one loves the sinner yet hates the sin).

Consider, for instance, when our lowly CBS scribe writes: 

...the ministry's website boasts that the Pearls' first book on how to properly beat children, "To Train Up a Child," has over 450,000 copies in print.

The key words here --"properly beat children"-- don't come from the book; they are the words of the scribe himself.  Now, had he actually read the book, he would no doubt have been able to find some sentences that support his claims -- instructions, perhaps, on how to properly bless rubber hoses for use in a holy beating.  But as it stands, his allegations are wholly unsubstantiated, the kind of thing one might expect from Christians when they talk about the Jews ritually murdering children and desecrating the Host.  As for the low-level scribe himself, so great is the damage that he and his ilk might cause the good work of S.A.T.A.N. that one suspects him of acting as a double-agent -- perhaps he's a mole planted by the Discovery Institute or a journalist trained at  Liberty University.

(The first photo was so much fun
that I had to post another)

Stories like these allow Christians to stand up and shout: Look at this!!  We're being unfairly persecuted in the mainstream media!!  And they would be right.  The Society Against Theological and Anti-humanistic Nastiness doesn't want that; we want Christianity to be persecuted fairly (again, let's differentiate between the sinner and the sin).  The absurdity of the Christian faith, the atrocities of its history, the bankruptcy of its ethics -- all of this is well-documented stuff.  There's no need to make anything up, no need to be duplicitous.

Having said all this, it is perfectly fair to point our fingers at their rock & roll icons and laugh at their fancy clothes and hair.

February: This Month in the History of Christianity. Emperor Theodosius I Establishes Christianty as the State Religion of the Roman Empire

Theodosius I (347-395)

On this last Sunday in February, we celebrate Christianity's glorious triumph as a totalitarian ideology. On February 27, 380, Emperor Theodosius I issued the Edict of Thessalonica, which established Christianity as the official religion of the Roman Empire as follows:

It is our desire that all the various nations which are subject to our clemency and moderation should continue to profess that religion which was delivered to the Romans by the divine Apostle Peter, as it has been preserved by faithful tradition, and which is now professed by the Pontiff Damasus and by Peter, Bishop of Alexandria, a man of apostolic holiness.

Now, Theodosius was not the first Christian Emperor -- that honor belongs to Constantine.  Grateful to the Christian God for delivering to him the Empire (Constantine was no fool; he chose his god on the basis of results), Constantine issued the Edict of Milan in 313 which called for the toleration of Christianity.  Just how much of a Christian he actually was remains the subject of debate, for he clearly retained a pagan frame of mind and evaded baptism until right before his death.  Nonetheless, for services rendered, Catholics bestowed upon him the mantle of "greatness" and the Orthodox Church made him a saint.  And if modern evangelicals had a better grasp of history, they too would honor Constantine, perhaps with the  Dr. James Dobson Christian Family Values Award for recognizing the importance of Tough Love -- Saint Constantine was firm believer in familial discipline, compelling his father-in-law to commit suicide, mounting his brother-in-law's severed head on a lance, executing his first-born son, and strangling his wife.

Constantine at the decisive
Battle of Milvian Bridge (312)

No longer facing persecution, right-minded Christians could now fully concentrate on what they loved most, namely excoriating wrong-minded ones.  Whereas there is but a single Christian truth, the errors of the damned are manifold.  As Christian kids in the public schools of Kansas are wont to chant: "Big 'C', little 'c', what begins with 'C'? -- Carpocrations, Cerinthians, Colorbasians, Cainites, Cerdonians" -- these are only a few of the many heretics cataloged and condemned by Epiphanius (also a Saint) in the 370s.  Unfortunately, the edict of toleration did not allow the orthodox to fully press their point.  Worse still, under the brief reign of Julian the Apostate, it looked like traditional Roman tolerance for religious diversity would be restored as imperial policy.  But a spear thrust through Julian's liver (delivered by someone who pagans and Christians alike were certain was a bright-eyed Christian soldier) set things right.  The skewered Emperor's dying words -- "Thou has conquered, Galiliean" (stuffed into his mouth many years after his death by pious Churchmen) -- underscore the point that after Julian's demise, Christianity never looked back.

Still, it was not until the reign of Theodosius I that Christianity became the only religion sanctioned by the Empire.  Theodosius brought traditional Roman religious tolerance to a definitive end.

'Leading Light of Christianity. Nero's Torches,'
Henryk Siemiradzki (1876)

Most Christians, recalling how Nero set their spiritual brethren ablaze to light his garden parties, would be surprised to learn that the Empire had been a religiously tolerant place.  Far from extirpating local gods, the early Roman imperialists usually welcomed them into the fold.  Religion for the Romans was a utilitarian matter, something that served the interests of state and society.  They were much less interested in a religion's specific beliefs than with a religion's social and political consequences.

Of course, the Romans didn't welcome all religions -- only those that made life better.  Hence, they wiped out the Celtic druids, for example -- lacking the politically correct insights of modern sophisticates, the Romans failed to appreciate the social value of druidic human sacrifice.  Likewise, they cared little for Christianity.  With their contempt for earthly existence and eager anticipation of the Empire's collapse and Christ's Second Coming, Christians played an entirely different game.  Instead of strengthening the bonds of human society, their religion threatened to unravel the social and political fabric.  So Tacitus, for instance, identified the Christian faith as a "destructive superstition" and condemned Christians for "their hatred of the human race.”  To escape persecution, all Christians had to do was honor the Emperor with a token sacrifice (indeed, it wasn’t for the “nature of their creed" that Pliny had Christians executed, but for their "stubbornness and inflexible obstinacy").  And what would happen, asked Celus, if everyone behaved like the Christians and refused to honor a human king – “the affairs of the earth would fall into the hands of the wildest and most lawless barbarians.” 

By the 380, however, with the Germanic barbarians already knocking at the Empire's gates, the Lord Jesus of Nazareth had captured the Emperor's heart.  Good Christians needed no longer to fear persecution by the State; indeed, they could now use the State to do some heavy-duty persecuting of their own. And who were the good Christians?  That was, indeed, carefully defined; for the Edict of Thessalonica only recognized that flavor of the faith cooked up in the theological kitchen known as the Council of Nicea in 325:

According to the apostolic teaching and the doctrine of the Gospel, let us believe in the one deity of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, in equal majesty and in a holy Trinity. We authorize the followers of this law to assume the title of Catholic Christians.

Critical in this respect was a belief in the holy Trinity (recently invented).  Other  forms of Christianity, most importantly Arianism and Manichaeism, which could not fathom the fuzzy math needed to understand the Trinity, did not receive Theodosius' blessing:

But as for the others, since, in our judgment they are foolish madmen, we decree that they shall be branded with the ignominious name of heretics, and shall not presume to give to their conventicles the name of churches. They will suffer in the first place the chastisement of the divine condemnation and in the second the punishment of our authority which in accordance with the will of Heaven we shall decide to inflict.

Thus Christian orthodoxy would be spread not merely by argument but with the sharp edge of the sword, which was far more persuasive.  And in 385, a wayward Christian ascetic named Priscillian (together with six of his friends) was tried by a Roman magistrate for heresy, tortured to reveal his doctrinal impurity, and beheaded.  He was not the first Christian killed by other Christians for the crime of false belief.  Indeed, as Ammianus Marcellinus noted in the 4th century: "No wild beasts are so dangerous to man as Christians are to one another."  But Priscillian was the first to be put to death by the dynamic duo of Church and State.

St. Ambrose teaches Emperor Theodosius
a little humility

At the same time, Theodosius embarked on the systematic destruction of pagan beliefs throughout the Empire.  With good Christians like Saint Ambrose of Milan whispering in his ear, Theodosius passed a series of edicts that criminalized pagan belief and behavior.  They prohibited any kind of sacrifices, public and private; forbade traditional (pagan) ceremonies of State;  proscribed attendance of temples or worship of man-made images; forbade apostasy from Christianity.  They prohibited torchlight processions, votive offerings, tying bands around trees, wafting incense, hanging garlands, and divination (and much, much more).  And they threatened the recalcitrant who continued to worship pagan gods with death:

We command that all those proved to be devoting themselves to sacrificing or worshiping images be subject to the penalty death.

Not only were pagan practices criminalized; so, too, was the failure to enforce those laws that criminalized paganism.  Even discussing religious matters became a punishable crime:

There shall be no opportunity for any man to go out to the public and to argue about religion or to discuss it or to give any counsel.  If any person hereafter with flagrant and damnable audacity, should suppose that he may contravene any law of this kind or if he should dare to persist in his action of ruinous obstinacy, he shall be restrained with a due penalty and proper punishment.

And while Theodosius promulgated laws, the monks left the deserts and swept into the towns, plundering what they could.  Throughout the empire, local bishops led their mobs to desecrate and destroy pagan temples, altars, and shrines.

Meanwhile, in Rome, the statesman Symmachus mounted a final defense of traditional Roman religious values:

What does it matter by which wisdom each of us arrives at the truth? It is not possible that only one road leads to so sublime a mystery.

 To which St Ambrose responded:

What you are ignorant of, we know from the word of God.  And what you try to infer, we have established as truth from the very wisdom of God.

St. Ambrose prevailed.  The pagan Altar of Victory was banished from the Senate; the Vestal Fires that had burned since the early Roman Republic were extinguished.  And poised on the edge of its own decline, the Roman Empire embraced the certainty of Christ -- which did not do the Empire much good but did wonders for the glory of God.

Into the Rabbit Hole. "The Sold their Souls for Rock & Roll" -- Exposés of the Damned and Dangerous at "Good Fight Ministries."

Worried that demonic forces in the entertainment industry are leading you and your children straight to hell?  Visit Good Fight Ministeries and confirm your suspicions.  Because they are.

Tori Amos: "Tori is a very confused young lady who is leading her many fans into eternal perdition. Tori rejects Christ who shed his precious blood to redeem her from her filth. ... We need to stay away from Tori's music and pray for her soul and that God would grant her repentance."

 Elton John: "Like so many artists who have sold their souls for rock and roll, Elton John has been immersed in Satanism. ... Many artists like Elton John and Bernie Taupin recognize the devils [sic] hand in their success and realize that their fans do not have a clue that much of their inspiration is the result of demonic beings that use them as puppets to deceive the public. ...  Elton John has led millions of people into further accepting Satan’s plan to confuse human sexuality and do away with the Judeo Christian ethic. While he has enjoyed much worldly success as a result of his Satanism he has been left a miserable shell of a person spiritually."

Spice Girls:  "The Spice Girls also promote a fair amount of feminist propaganda in some of their music. ... In their so-called quest for liberation, they have plunged themselves even deeper into bondage and slavery as they have identified with Eve in her rebellion against God and alliance with Satan … Parents who allow their children to listen to music which glorifies rebellion and stimulates the already racing hormones of adolescence are guilty of pouring gasoline on a destructive fire that is already raging within the bosom of many of our young people. ... We all have fallen short, and if you are reading this and have fallen short in allowing your children to swallow the candy coded poison of the Spice Girls or other ungodly music, you simply need to acknowledge this and seek God in prayer." 

Fiona Apple: "Fiona Apple echoes the Satanic axiom of Aleister Crowley's New Satanic Age when she says that her philosophy on life is: 'Do what you want. You can't f--k it up.' ... Pray that the Lord would rescue Fiona Apple from the deep hopelessness and despair that accompanies her music, interviews, and her life in general and that she would find the Blessed Hope of Jesus Christ and the eternal joy that comes from knowing Him. Pray also that those who are under her influence would be rescued as well."

Kurt Cobain: "Cobain’s worship of Satan manifested itself in a multiplicity of ways. Cobain sported a statue of Mary, the mother of Jesus, 'with its head cut off'.   Cobain, like other Satanists, also had a penchant for the desecration of churches. ... Cobain himself admitted, 'I’m definitely gay in spirit' , as well as 'I probably could be bisexual,' and admitted to a close friend that 'he’d had sex with three or four men'. ... Many would view it as a sad irony that the leader of a band called Nirvana would end his life with a horrific suicide.  Nirvana is the Hindu name for heaven. It is a counterfeit heaven designed to bind people to the millions of Hindu demon gods which are worshipped in India to this very day. Cobain and his music had its share of eastern influences. From beguiling eastern melodies to Cobain’s references in interviews to karma, reincarnation, etc. Even as these illusionary concepts have cursed India and zapped the very life out of hundreds of millions of Hindus through the centuries, Cobain, like so many of the rock “stars” before him, continued to introduce these concepts to the Western world. Truly, there is no irony. Cobain’s concept of Nirvana from the get go was actually a hell. ...   One of the reasons it seems that he committed suicide was that the devil was no longer delivering the goods in regard to musical inspiration. ...  God, through his Holy Word, has demonstrated to us that demonic beings are often associated with the instigation of suicide."


The Good Fight Theater 

Kick back in the "Good Fight Ministries" theater, enjoy a virtual Coca-Cola, and learn how the real purpose of much of your favorite music and many of your favorites movies is to lead you straight to hell.  Watch videos about the following:

Musical Acts: NSYNC, Eminem, Ramstein, Korn, Backstreet Boys, Christina Aguilera, Snoop Dog, DMX, Tori Amos, 311, Nine Inch Nails, Sarah Mclachlan, ICP, Kurt Cobain, Easy E, Danzig, KMFDM, Madonna, Kid Rock, Slayer, MTV, Metallica, Prince, U2, Iron Maiden, Sting, AC/DC, Kiss, Van Halen, The Eagles, Led Zepplin, Black Sabbath, Michael Jackson, Hall & Oats [sic], Fleetwood Mac, Carlos Santana, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Grateful Dead, Pink Floyd, David Bowie, David Crosby, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, George Harrison, Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley, Bill Haley, Little Richard, Robert Johnston

Other Satanic Threats (movies, etc.): Transformers, V for Vendetta, Rick Warren’s Forked Tongue, Matrix, Vanilla Sky, Fight Club, Eyes Wide Shut, Pleasantville, The Truman Show, Harry Potter, X-Men, Timothy Leary, Scientology, Aleister Crowley, Gnosticism

Of course, once you've watched all these videos, you'll want to cleanse your music and movie collection in a purifying fire.  But please be patient and use your God-given resources carefully (remember the parable of the ten bridesmaids).   By waiting until you've captured a witch or two and burning them together with those blasphemous CDs and DVDs, you'll save a match.  Sometimes I long for the days of vinyl, when the fires burned brighter and hotter.  Yet again, nowadays, the witches and heretics scream louder and longer -- and that "maketh a joyful noise unto the Lord."

"Good Fight Ministries" is endorsed by:

I almost forgot:

"If you feel that the Lord is leading you to make a contribution to Good Fight Ministries, you may make a tax deductible donation by credit card by choosing one of the amounts listed below, or you can send a check for any amount (payable to Good Fight Ministries) to the following address: Good Fight Ministries P.O. BOX 2202, SIMI VALLEY, CA 93062."